I am tired of having to be someone else for the purpose of having someone to go out and grab tea or catch a film with every now and then. It is truly a nuisance....anyway, I will have none of that anymore. I don't care whether people like me or not, but I will not pretend to think and see the world like them. I miss those old days when I could care less. Ugh.
When did I become so interested in becoming a palatable dish for people to enjoy?
Yesterday I went to the movies with a friend. All the way to the theatre men were honking from their cars and yelling out things. Men go wild when they see a lanky long haired blonde thing walking down the street. It's really confusing. And a bit petrifying. I don't know how she deals with it all the time. I get it sometimes, once in a blue moon...but she nearly caused a car pile-up by casually walking down the road.
That normalness annoyed me, because that s something I am not. Fuck it, I am a raging work of art. I am not the dull looking background friend. I'm not neutral. And if they have a problem with it, they can nicely go and fuck off for all I care.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Growing Up Is (Surprisingly) Hard To Do
I remember when I would lie to people about being older. I was 14, and far too advanced than people my age- in some areas of life...in others, I couldn't have been more stagnant, as always. Essentially, this advancement robbed me of being young. Surprisingly, my age was never doubted- at 14 I pulled off 18 perfectly, as long as I was not asked what my day activities included. And now, that I am finally old and have a room waiting for me in the big city, that I washed a heap of laundry and picked out a few artifacts I want to bring along, suddenly, I regret that need I had as a child. In a sense, "fuck it" effectively summarizes it. Are all adults lethargic? I should know...now that I am one. Now that an 8 year old addresses me as "lady". If I am making such a big deal over turning 18...I don't even want to know what turning 20, 30...God forbid 40....
There is a ball of something stuck in my throat, and I am afraid to say, I think it might be fear.
So now that I am moving away...life is about to start. The race begins. Makes me wish I did something more with my preparation time rather than worry about silly things, people, events and aspects of life I could never change. Makes me wish I took life less seriously.
I think I am getting writer's block again. It always happens when I have a heavy stream of emotions pulsing, tingling, ravaging my insides. About two years ago, a friend of mine was getting ready to go to university. She was leaving and I still had two years left. I remember reading her post the night before she left for university, and being conscious that eventually, those same thoughts and feelings will be going through me...strong and real. I am surprised that I didn't have the "that will never happen to me" approach that most young people have. It is almost as though I stayed with that post for the last 2 years....anticipating the same thing occurring in my own life..keeping it at the back of my mind, stashed, secure, alive. And here it is. She spoke of a bride she was crossing, between her childhood and adulthood. Personally, I feel like it is a cliff of a a mountain. I'll find out eventually whether I'll have to climb, or fall into a deep, dark abyss of infomercials, softcore pornos and commercial jingles.
Packing isn't my thing. I've had to do it one too many times. It is an odd feeling, often associated with parting, sadness and not seeing some people for a long time. So I have yet to pack anything. Tomorrow I move in my things....come back home...and leave on the 29th...returning only when I need..to this disgusting hellhole, simply because my parents call it their home.
I can't write anymore. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh....
There is a ball of something stuck in my throat, and I am afraid to say, I think it might be fear.
So now that I am moving away...life is about to start. The race begins. Makes me wish I did something more with my preparation time rather than worry about silly things, people, events and aspects of life I could never change. Makes me wish I took life less seriously.
I think I am getting writer's block again. It always happens when I have a heavy stream of emotions pulsing, tingling, ravaging my insides. About two years ago, a friend of mine was getting ready to go to university. She was leaving and I still had two years left. I remember reading her post the night before she left for university, and being conscious that eventually, those same thoughts and feelings will be going through me...strong and real. I am surprised that I didn't have the "that will never happen to me" approach that most young people have. It is almost as though I stayed with that post for the last 2 years....anticipating the same thing occurring in my own life..keeping it at the back of my mind, stashed, secure, alive. And here it is. She spoke of a bride she was crossing, between her childhood and adulthood. Personally, I feel like it is a cliff of a a mountain. I'll find out eventually whether I'll have to climb, or fall into a deep, dark abyss of infomercials, softcore pornos and commercial jingles.
Packing isn't my thing. I've had to do it one too many times. It is an odd feeling, often associated with parting, sadness and not seeing some people for a long time. So I have yet to pack anything. Tomorrow I move in my things....come back home...and leave on the 29th...returning only when I need..to this disgusting hellhole, simply because my parents call it their home.
I can't write anymore. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh....
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Looking Siamese
What is there to say? Have we all thrown feminism out the door? I caved in. After I counted my last calorie today and observed the contour of my nose yet again in the refection of the car before I got in...I realized that I have become, and have been, the product of the very thing I am so very much against. When you start wanting breasts for the purpose unknown to yourself (I will never have children, and sex is out of the question, naturally), you should very much recognize you have a problem. Germaine Greer, help me? Actually, I don't need help. I suppose this is a natural phase. I will surely go back to my old ways in a month or so. Sometimes, this pressure just simply catches up with me.
My new theremin is on its way. For the first time in my life, I am quite content with spending 500 dollars on something- I really feel it is worth it. The entire way to Georgian Bay and back, when the occupants of the car were not looking, I practiced my aerial fingering positions and pictured myself in front of it. It will be amazing.
As I said, I went to Georgian Bay with my mom dad and friends Meghan and Brian. It was nice, which is nice. Nice is always nice. Nice, nice, nice. Like the city. The water was crystal clear, and the only thing that frightened me was a water snake that swam right by us and the bogs that we were supposed to use, which I refused to enter. I can't picture a situation where I would be in such desperation to use an outhouse. I mean, it was expected- we were at a beach at a national park, miles away from civilization...there would be no plumbing. But they didn't even make an effort... I didn't cave in. Somehow, nature and I don't get along, however, I respect her, and she has been kind to me so far, and I think we will continue this respectful but distant relationship. Driving back through the country side, I saw so many beautiful cows and their calves frolicking on the pastures. How can people be so cruel to torture and kill them? It brings tears to my eyes even now...the love that the mother has for her little baby, the way she rubs her nose against the top of its head and the comfort you can see in its eyes when it is around its mother. They have emotions just like humans (or as humans are expected to have, however, as time goes on, I am having serious doubts)...which doesn't need to even be pointed out.
I will never eat an animal no matter what. I'm not Ed Gein.
What more is there to say? No word from him yet. I lost faith I think. No, I haven't...which is probably the reason why. Usually, great things happen to me unexpectedly...when I have completely forgotten I wanted them. Which is slightly unfortunate.
Anyway....love and learn...take your turn..
Lee
My new theremin is on its way. For the first time in my life, I am quite content with spending 500 dollars on something- I really feel it is worth it. The entire way to Georgian Bay and back, when the occupants of the car were not looking, I practiced my aerial fingering positions and pictured myself in front of it. It will be amazing.
As I said, I went to Georgian Bay with my mom dad and friends Meghan and Brian. It was nice, which is nice. Nice is always nice. Nice, nice, nice. Like the city. The water was crystal clear, and the only thing that frightened me was a water snake that swam right by us and the bogs that we were supposed to use, which I refused to enter. I can't picture a situation where I would be in such desperation to use an outhouse. I mean, it was expected- we were at a beach at a national park, miles away from civilization...there would be no plumbing. But they didn't even make an effort... I didn't cave in. Somehow, nature and I don't get along, however, I respect her, and she has been kind to me so far, and I think we will continue this respectful but distant relationship. Driving back through the country side, I saw so many beautiful cows and their calves frolicking on the pastures. How can people be so cruel to torture and kill them? It brings tears to my eyes even now...the love that the mother has for her little baby, the way she rubs her nose against the top of its head and the comfort you can see in its eyes when it is around its mother. They have emotions just like humans (or as humans are expected to have, however, as time goes on, I am having serious doubts)...which doesn't need to even be pointed out.
I will never eat an animal no matter what. I'm not Ed Gein.
What more is there to say? No word from him yet. I lost faith I think. No, I haven't...which is probably the reason why. Usually, great things happen to me unexpectedly...when I have completely forgotten I wanted them. Which is slightly unfortunate.
Anyway....love and learn...take your turn..
Lee
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