Desperation, they call it

It has been a while since I bothered with this thing, however, I have been venting elsewhere. To update you on what went down the past 5 months would result in a pitiful piece of writing not even worthy of being published on an online blog. So I won't do it.

There is nothing more promising than watching the Diary of Bridget Jones, both parts, in stretchy pyjama pants while shoveling yourself full of chocolate. It is at moments like those, with messy crumbs all over your shirt and bags under your eyes, that one feels truly fulfilled. Going from a total recluse when it comes to any kind of romantic interest to actually being offered with the possibility of being in a relationship, whatever that may be, is not the easiest switch. One, like myself, is bound to stumble along the way...and quite frankly disgust themselves.

For the past two hours, I have been looking at the phone. This is not happening to me. This is awful. Pathetic. Unbelievable.

Aches that shouldn't ache

It has been well noted that I have a paranoid/obsessive compulsive personality. That is why I spent a year in therapy. Now that I have finally detached from my analyst, suddenly, I find myself quite lost and confused. A sharp razorblade runs against my eye every day and my disorders bascailly rule my life. How wonderful. Anger after an obvious let-down by a party whose feelings did not reciprocate mine triggered me to consume more than I can take and almost make a huge mistake- not having made it with the second party, and being a quite forgetful drunk, I have been beating myself with a stick of obsession and insanity for the past week. I don't know why I do this. I am glad I didn't sleep with the second party, because, clearly, it wouldn't have been the right time or the right reasonings, yet I still feel guilt. I am seeing a doctor in a couple of days. Misery loves company. Friends think I am crazy, and well, they are probably right. The only thing that keeps me happy right now is my unruptured hymen as a token that I have not completely lost the one thing that many so easily lose.
I don't know where this lack of excitement is coming from, but it is making me sick. I left the big city for the weekend, only to return to the shit town that caused me so much pain and suffering for the past 4-5 years. I am glad to see the parents, but at the same time, I am nervous, depressed and just crazy, and I cannot talk to them about it. They would make a big deal of it, and not just that, but so much pressure is put on me, so many expectations that are floating in air around me, that I just cannot allow myself to disappoint. Maybe if suctioning is ever needed, I'll have to. Then I'll roll around my bed in pain screaming "I hate myself".
I am ridiculous. Things are as clear as night/day. I just am not sure. I doubt myself. I don't know why.
Part of it is the knowledge that I screwed up. I always screw up. I am not seeing Morrissey in Detroit either. Fuck it all. My god. My god. My god.
I haven't written for days, can't bring myself to pick up a book, haven't done anything productive, and during lectures, my mind is a week away putting the pieces together, trying to confirm what I already know and am told.
I am a hypochondriac. Fuck it. I can't deal with it.

Dumbing down for people

I am tired of having to be someone else for the purpose of having someone to go out and grab tea or catch a film with every now and then. It is truly a nuisance....anyway, I will have none of that anymore. I don't care whether people like me or not, but I will not pretend to think and see the world like them. I miss those old days when I could care less. Ugh.

When did I become so interested in becoming a palatable dish for people to enjoy?

Yesterday I went to the movies with a friend. All the way to the theatre men were honking from their cars and yelling out things. Men go wild when they see a lanky long haired blonde thing walking down the street. It's really confusing. And a bit petrifying. I don't know how she deals with it all the time. I get it sometimes, once in a blue moon...but she nearly caused a car pile-up by casually walking down the road.

That normalness annoyed me, because that s something I am not. Fuck it, I am a raging work of art. I am not the dull looking background friend. I'm not neutral. And if they have a problem with it, they can nicely go and fuck off for all I care.

Growing Up Is (Surprisingly) Hard To Do

I remember when I would lie to people about being older. I was 14, and far too advanced than people my age- in some areas of life...in others, I couldn't have been more stagnant, as always. Essentially, this advancement robbed me of being young. Surprisingly, my age was never doubted- at 14 I pulled off 18 perfectly, as long as I was not asked what my day activities included. And now, that I am finally old and have a room waiting for me in the big city, that I washed a heap of laundry and picked out a few artifacts I want to bring along, suddenly, I regret that need I had as a child. In a sense, "fuck it" effectively summarizes it. Are all adults lethargic? I should know...now that I am one. Now that an 8 year old addresses me as "lady". If I am making such a big deal over turning 18...I don't even want to know what turning 20, 30...God forbid 40....

There is a ball of something stuck in my throat, and I am afraid to say, I think it might be fear.

So now that I am moving away...life is about to start. The race begins. Makes me wish I did something more with my preparation time rather than worry about silly things, people, events and aspects of life I could never change. Makes me wish I took life less seriously.

I think I am getting writer's block again. It always happens when I have a heavy stream of emotions pulsing, tingling, ravaging my insides. About two years ago, a friend of mine was getting ready to go to university. She was leaving and I still had two years left. I remember reading her post the night before she left for university, and being conscious that eventually, those same thoughts and feelings will be going through me...strong and real. I am surprised that I didn't have the "that will never happen to me" approach that most young people have. It is almost as though I stayed with that post for the last 2 years....anticipating the same thing occurring in my own life..keeping it at the back of my mind, stashed, secure, alive. And here it is. She spoke of a bride she was crossing, between her childhood and adulthood. Personally, I feel like it is a cliff of a a mountain. I'll find out eventually whether I'll have to climb, or fall into a deep, dark abyss of infomercials, softcore pornos and commercial jingles.

Packing isn't my thing. I've had to do it one too many times. It is an odd feeling, often associated with parting, sadness and not seeing some people for a long time. So I have yet to pack anything. Tomorrow I move in my things....come back home...and leave on the 29th...returning only when I need..to this disgusting hellhole, simply because my parents call it their home.

I can't write anymore. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh....

Looking Siamese

What is there to say? Have we all thrown feminism out the door? I caved in. After I counted my last calorie today and observed the contour of my nose yet again in the refection of the car before I got in...I realized that I have become, and have been, the product of the very thing I am so very much against. When you start wanting breasts for the purpose unknown to yourself (I will never have children, and sex is out of the question, naturally), you should very much recognize you have a problem. Germaine Greer, help me? Actually, I don't need help. I suppose this is a natural phase. I will surely go back to my old ways in a month or so. Sometimes, this pressure just simply catches up with me.

My new theremin is on its way. For the first time in my life, I am quite content with spending 500 dollars on something- I really feel it is worth it. The entire way to Georgian Bay and back, when the occupants of the car were not looking, I practiced my aerial fingering positions and pictured myself in front of it. It will be amazing.

As I said, I went to Georgian Bay with my mom dad and friends Meghan and Brian. It was nice, which is nice. Nice is always nice. Nice, nice, nice. Like the city. The water was crystal clear, and the only thing that frightened me was a water snake that swam right by us and the bogs that we were supposed to use, which I refused to enter. I can't picture a situation where I would be in such desperation to use an outhouse. I mean, it was expected- we were at a beach at a national park, miles away from civilization...there would be no plumbing. But they didn't even make an effort... I didn't cave in. Somehow, nature and I don't get along, however, I respect her, and she has been kind to me so far, and I think we will continue this respectful but distant relationship. Driving back through the country side, I saw so many beautiful cows and their calves frolicking on the pastures. How can people be so cruel to torture and kill them? It brings tears to my eyes even now...the love that the mother has for her little baby, the way she rubs her nose against the top of its head and the comfort you can see in its eyes when it is around its mother. They have emotions just like humans (or as humans are expected to have, however, as time goes on, I am having serious doubts)...which doesn't need to even be pointed out.

I will never eat an animal no matter what. I'm not Ed Gein.

What more is there to say? No word from him yet. I lost faith I think. No, I haven't...which is probably the reason why. Usually, great things happen to me unexpectedly...when I have completely forgotten I wanted them. Which is slightly unfortunate.

Anyway....love and learn...take your turn..
Lee

Dear God, may I never reach Menopause

Today has been nothing but pure hell. Right now, I am sitting in my room, quite willingly, as there is incredible dislike for me radiating from downstairs. Father and I never argue when we are alone. Mother went away for two weeks to take some art courses, and we did not fight once. She has incredible ways of getting him and I to just get furious at each other. Mother, whether she wants to admit it or not, is of the confrontational kind. She stares at people, analyzes every facial gesture to the point of rudeness, and then, determines what she thinks of this person. She does the same with me. I frowned once when my father said "he had no clue where my dudley lock went" when in fact, I saw him quite clearly fiddling with the thing a few weeks back. Upon noticing my grimasse, she jumped to the first oportunity of saying "How can you make that face at your father, it is not his fault..!!!" and of course, I, being naive, fired back "Oh honestly, stop staring at me!!!" and my father said "Don't talk to your mother like that".....

I can't say I dislike my mother, quite contrary...she is my mentor in a sense, and was ever since I was a child, but lately, she has been changing, and I must say, not for the better. Approaching mid 40s, mother has been rollercoasting through emotions, and so many highs and lows in a day...add up for those around her. One moment she will be content, smiling and saying nice thing, next moment she will be storming into my room screaming at the top of my lungs at how I destroyed her 2 dollar paint brushes (which I didn't even destroy). Then after that attack is done, she will retreat to her calm self. It is quite frightening, with this pre-menopausal thing, it is as though all of her traits get exaggerated.

Now I stare out the window (how Jayne Eyre of me...) and look at the grey sky, and think....August 26th...come faster, please!!!!!!!!

Trotsky, I need you.

Lately I have been writing about things that I do not understand, people whom I have never met and characters whose lives I do not understand, but merely make assumptions about, based on my pathetic knowledge from mainstream culture and random thrown together articles that I have read throughout my equally pathetic life. Of course, this is a clear indication that I indeed do find my own surrounding to be too uneventful to ever attempt to record and immortalize. Everyone around me seems indefatigable...and well, if I didn't have to get out of bed, I would not.

I am actually very proud of one fact, and that is that I have finally pulled the plug on the dead-end part-time, soul-sucking, relentless job. I realized that sitting on the reeking bus, with "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" set to "repeat" on my ipod, with unfocused eyes, curled up in a semi-fetal position in the seat was not exactly a fitting recurrent ritual. This vicious cycle was making me mean and apathetic, just like every person around me. The uniform didn't rub nicely against my skin, and the pants were big enough for two people to wear. The movie goers were mostly average drones- this is not simply my opinion, the statistics are all in favor of this notion, and given the demographics of a place like Durham...well...well.... besides, who would bother going to see a futile film such as "Transformers"? I saw these belly-hanging, sweats wearing drones leave the theaters every night, completely fascinated by what some guy jumbled on his supercomputer...no one really caring about the plot, or the message, or any other redeemable quality of a film. I still refuse to see that movie, however, I have seen Oceans 13, and I am ashamed to say- not only did I enjoy it, but I will probably be going to see 14, 15, 16...and as long as they keep them coming, I will keep on guzzling.

Mother and I walked into a sunglass store today. My intent was to try on a pair of Ray Ban Wayfarers....show her how wonderfully they fit my odd looking face, in hopes of her giving father a nudge-nudge wink-wink for what to get me for my birthday, Christmas, any other pointless occasion. But the employee of an official Ray Ban retailer not only did not HAVE the classic, timeless Ray Ban Wayfarers on display, but she did not even KNOW what these "wayfarer" glasses I speak of are. I was going to ask her what she is doing devoting her life to selling sunglasses if she has no clue about such an iconic style..that is like a mechanical engineer having no clue who Tesla is! (come to think of it, my father did tell me a story of when he was baffled by a "reputable" Swedish researcher in the field of electronics who has never heard of Tesla...I suppose career mistakes are made by people all over the world...some in more important positions than others). I even stooped to the level of calling them "the sunglasses Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business"...and I have never used Tom Cruises name in a sentence describing something I want before. But I figured, that's sort of up her alley...third rate actors climbing to huge mainstream, global success..she must have heard of him. But no, she handed me a pair of aviators and said "Oh my god I love Topgun". I looked at my mother, and we both agreed that we had to get out of that store, thereby proceeding to sprint towards the nearest exit.

Before I quit my job and started this luxurious life of loitering, stalling, vegetating...I had to write a "letter of resignation". I laughed at the thought really- I was serving obese people popcorn, having them spit in my face because I spared them butter and postponed their cardiac arrests another 15 minutes, having managers send me home whenever they "didn't need me", mopping up spilled drinks mixed with soggy popcorn bits of the floors, that after having done all of these unglamorous, degrading things, I had to write a fancy "letter of resignation" as though I held an important position at a reputable company....these capitalists feel it is fine to pick and choose when they want to be classy and civilized. So I wrote my first draft....if went something like:

Dear Sir/Madam,

With this letter, I would like to inform you that I am leaving my job
at AMC. I am moving to Toronto in order to study at Ryerson
University, and would like to take the month before I leave to get my
priorities organized, therefore I will not be able to maintain my part
time position in concession. My decision to leave this early is also
due to the fact that I am very disappointed at how the workers are
treated at AMC. I feel that my time was not respected when I would
randomly be sent home early, especially since it would take a
financial strain for me for transportation in order to get to work. In
my opinion, young people who make AMC the great theatre that it is,
are underpaid for the job that they do, yet have high expectations
thrown at them. I understand that these are all marks of being the
lowest life-form in a giant corporate equilibrium, and knowing that I
cannot change these factors, I have decided to quit and move on to a
job more suited for what I feel I deserve. Thank you for allowing me
to get acquainted with the capitalist worth system, working for AMC
taught me what I do, and do not want to do with the rest of my life.

Sincerely,
M. F.


...and that is just the edited, narrowed down first draft. There was a huge chunk where I wrote about Marx and his doctrine and how it could bring their entire establishment if only the shameful workers opened their eyes and realized that together they cannot be beat.......

..and then I realized this is not a battle I want to fight. I've thrown pear before swine my whole life, and decided not to continue to do so. I am unable to comprehend why people are so stubborn to want change, to want better things in life. Nothing confuses me more than when a son of a 50 year old wal-mart cashier and a laid off General Motors worker says that "communism is a fucking dumb idea, socialism...man..that's so gay", when he regurgitates these pathetic McCarthyist views that seemed to have been programed in his simple working-class mind from generation to generation. These are the people that need to fight, and yet, they are winning money of the same people who oppress them. The reason why America is so great is because Americans seem to be content with being exploited, they are told that that is the way of life, that is how things go here and that is it. It is a confusion to me, and I will never understand. That is why I will not fight for these people, they don't want to be saved. Instead they'll drape themselves in Republican, Conservative colours while they are sodomized by big shots who laugh at their fawning devoted, patriotic dedication.

So instead I wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am very sorry to leave AMC so abruptly. I hope that you will be able to find another replacement soon. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your establishment.

Sincerely,

M.F.


And that's it. It feels better, As Veronica from the brilliant film Heathers remarked to the horny college student: "You don't deserve my fucking speech!". And now I can go to bed and dig into my Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe.

You know who is really really sad? That bald guy and his unsuccessful band that plays for David Letterman. I bet he had hopes of making it in the industry, now he is supposed to be background accompanying music to an unfunny, unwitty, rude, carnivore.

The Journey To Morrissey (Unedited)

One would not necessarily understand why Morrissey, the legendary singer and songwriter, disagrees with the notion that he "performs" when he is on stage until one gets to experience the enchantment of his work as it nature intended- front center, ribs pressed against the barricade, the heat of the crowd pulsing from every corner, stench of desperation, stretching to reach and connect- from both the audience and the object of desire alike. Morrissey stands naked in front of the crowd, metaphorically speaking (of course, there is the shirt-ripping, a metaphor within itself, really), vulnerable, honest, simply there as he is. That is not performance, what he does every night of the tour takes courage and strength. One cannot call his events "shows", the word "concert" is too lighthearted to describe it, "event of epiphany" might be going too far- but I think "spiritual sharing" should cover what truly goes on between the creator of the music, and the crowd that stands before him. The reciprocal love and respect, sharing of true emotions between the two is astounding, and most likely a rare occurrence, especially in today's world. To many, the crowd is a faceless mass, to Morrissey, each and every one of us count.

On May 22, Morrissey decided to spend his 48th birthday in St Louis, singing to people who are there to listen. I, like many modern-day pilgrims of the chanteur, traveled from a different country, Canada, in order to see him. As the old proverb goes," if the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain", so I ventured off into the wild, wild Mid-west on foot, with my walking umbrella, and a bag containing nothing but a few coins and an old copy of Arthur Rimbaud's Illuminations, to keep me safe on my quest to be entertained and understood (an odd choice, perhaps, but then again, what in life makes sense?). Through my journey, the pain and suffering I neatly tucked away by thinking what the end result of my trip would be like, and that the thirst I was feeling is in fact, creative thirst, rather than anything else physical real and boring. By the time of my arrival, 8am sharp, I crashed on the pavement of the train station, seemingly delirious to the bystanders, but actually never more composed and aware of my true self. And of course I should mention that some notions and details of my journey may or may not have occurred, but the true message and emotional value of this narrated story is unharmed by these miniscule alterations.

St Louis is no place to have fun. It is a place where some are born, others rot, and third ones, positively die. Aside from a couple of places on Earth I've heard of, most other ones follow a similar demographical pattern. Not many move to St Louis willingly, or because it has been their eternal, lifelong wish to live there (unless they want to model their lives after famous movies done by Judy Garland, in which case, may God be with them, however, I have my doubts that such people do not in fact exist)- like an unexpected pregnancy, it just happens. My first night in St Louis I spent sleeping by the river, under a bridge where I met a few other fellow Morrissey pilgrims. The town was swarming with my kind, and even in a random city, in the middle of the bible belt, I, a practicing communist, vocal vegetarian and shameful sodomite (the word itself makes me all warm and fuzzy inside), felt more at home than ever. Maybe because He, with a capital H, was cuddled neatly in freshly ironed linens of an expensive hotel, smelling of frankincense and myrrh, I felt that through him, I was sleeping in same conditions. In reality, after dining on dry instant oatmeal, I wrapped myself in a spread-out cardboard box and rested my head on a solid piece of wood that washed up on the riverbank. I intended to take a bath in the river, in the morning- an event that proved to be near-fatal. After that incident, and clearing things up with the ambulance, police, firefighters (ironically, the latter showed up as well), I proceeded to go to the Pageant, the lavish-sounding concert venue, in what I've been told is the nice part of St Louis. To me it seemed very average- even their Starbucks was really dirty. And Starbucks' are usually relatively clean. Ah, what do I know.

If I had the time to describe every person in line, waiting to see the man, I would probably be a very lucky, or unfortunately screwed over person, depending on my life circumstances and place of habitat. Even though I lack time, I will still not resort to stereotypes. Sure, there was the sad black haired goth kid with fountain pen slices on his arms to prove his love, or moms who used to be cool but are now pathetically dragging themselves through the bumpy roads of menopause in sweats and flip-flops, the old guys who get told they resemble Morrissey (those who make the remark usually omitting "...if Morrissey weighed 70 pounds more and had his face in the microwave for 34 seconds"), the usual "concert goers" who really know nothing but are just there, the lonely 30 so year olds who lost all meaning and purpose in life (I sort of fit into that category, only 10-ish years younger than that)....the rest of the crowd is just filler, and they need not be mentioned such as the quiet guy, the loud girl, the faceless cluster, the fat guy, the fat girl. Just usual, at first sight, is this crowd. Now once inside, things get ugly. Or beautiful. Or ugly. Life is a circle anyway. It is the same thing.

I befriended a quiet Alaskan, feeling we're really in the same mindset. I didn't ask for his name, because names just take up space, and I needed all the memory I could get in order to remember the event that was going to take place 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, 2 hours, 30min from now. We sat through the day, wasting time, as if no time was needed. If there and then we were asked by the Grim Reaper if we would give up the rest of time in order for that one and a half hour in pure heaven with Morrissey, adorned with a green carnation and a glass of absinthe, we would have said "whatever, take it, now that we've waited this long, it would be such a waste not to get to see him!" . And we would have died and it would have been worth it.

It is such a crazy stampede once the doors open. My heart which usually beats slowly and insecurely, gets its annual workout at events such as this. The guard picks up his walkie-talkie, and tells us to line up. Everybody knows what is going to happen. You look around, nobody's your friend anymore, it's a competition. Brother against brother. It's a bloodbath. Realization that your perfect place in heaven depends on not only how fast you run, but whom else you leave behind you forces even the purest of heart to play dirty. "Ok, let them in". It's a blur. Now or never. Gather your assets, show your claws, the race is on. I run, I run, I run, my legs are doing a modern dance more passionate than Isadora Duncan could have ever choreographed. I advance. At the corner of my eye there are people, there are people, people and more people, their faces showing strain and pain and genuine anguish. Will they make it? What do I care. Fend for yourself....

Until you reach the cold steel, catch your breath, look up to meet the watchful eyes of a security guard, who understands no love, or passion, whose currency are not emotion or words or compassion. How can you, who operates on such a different level, ever reason with such a creation? Many have tried, myself included. It is like trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language. But what if you don't reach the steel barricade? What if you are behind someone who was faster than you? Well, you stand there, wondering how wonderful it must be to be that person. You stand there, and you wait for your chance. Who knows what kind of a sinful beast you may turn into once the lights go down, the smoke rises, and your deepest emotions surface to the top.

The wait inside kills the most. He's there, you're there. We're all ready, come out already. You stand through the opening act- she could be the most wonderful singer in the world, a talent incomparable to any other of her time, an opera star highly acclaimed by the likes of famous Italian composers whose names I do not care to remember.....- but you can't wait for anything other than him. You're unable to. On any other day it would be different but now, you just must concentrate to prepare to absorb the most of him, when he comes. And he will, he must. He will, he must. For you're here, and his name shines above the door. It's a perfect match So it can't be a mistake. Could it be? No it certainly cannot be. You're not that much of a fool.

The lights dim even further, it is either anticipation or deadly acid mingling in your abdomen, unsure of the way your bland body reacts to excitement you hope for the best, expect the worst....the anticipation rises, rises, the music tearing you one note at the time, builds, builds, the crowd is shivering, you pick up the shivers too, tears? it tears? could it be, no it, yes it, oh, there, here, maybe, now, I'm not ready, ok, I am, I think......- crash!!!!! There. He walks on stage and you've completely slipped into "dream" mode. You will wake up the next day and believe it was all a fragment of your vivid imagination, which can both be a curse and a privilege given the situation . It is impossible, the man on the picture beside your bed, he cannot be here, in front of you. And all mental preparation to remember as much as you can is thrown out the door. It is all about the feelings baby, that's all you get to remember.

To try to describe your most cherished memory is hard. I remember the woman behind me, saliva dribbling out of her mouth, diving back to catch a piece of cloth he threw into the crowd, no, I don't dive back for it, I want to absorb as much of him as I can. Read the expressions on his face, feel the sound. It's here, now. You've heard it before, never like this. As she dives back, an opening for myself is before me- the steel barricade. My ribs are neatly placed over it, I am on my toes. Pilates instructors cannot stretch this much. He glances at me. Shrugs his shoulders...there is hell behind me, a whirpool of hyenas tearing up his shirt. No, it can't be. Next second the look is gone, nothing happened. No, it can't be. There is an open wound on the right side of my chest, but it really could be from anything. Even now, I still don't know what side the heart is on...nor do I care.

And so he sings, and he sings, and hours feel like seconds. The end is nearing. I realize that subconsciously, my hand, clutching Illuminations, has been trying to reach him for the entire duration of the night. "Here I am, here I am". Did I look pleased? He kneels, and extends his arm, with a smile. A connection. He has it. Eyes connect, it burns. Imprinted on my memory, somewhere, very vividly, but I will have to figure out the access code later. He stands up. He mouths words to you. You can't believe it. You stand there and it is over. And you can't believe it. Then you get the encore after the show. Even closer. Even more personal. We said nothing to each other, but, as those cheesy novelesque expressions go- we spoke through our eyes. I am sure that those 4 seconds in some distant cosmos are worth a lifetime, that we were transported there for that duration, and exchanged something profound, because I haven't felt the same since then. Food has no taste, people all look the same, I can't fall in love (but what else is new?), nothing equals that moment. For me, of course. He is a whore, he shook so many other hands the next night. I have yet to wash mine.

I lie. I tried. I failed. It is now clean.

New Pleasure

I've had a really really bad bad bad day. Or was it??? I feel like I am constantly being watched. Meh I says, meh.
That's it for today. Nothing insightful to say.

I never Learn

It is so late and I am not in bed
Well I am
But I am not asleep
Write me already

Life Adjustments and High Expectations

So here I am, wearing shorts, sitting on the sofa after what was supposed to be "cooling off" from the one hour run that I did..but turned into beach whaleing for the rest of the evening, staring at this screen, typing these words, resisting the temptation of eating buttery, salty popcorn which mother made in order to soothe her soul, as the whiny, but tolerable voice of Jerry Seinfeld nags at me from the television screen. This is life.
I wore my "liturgy in a bottle" perfume today, and I must say that it is one of the more pleasant aspects of my day. I am quite disappointed with most people in my proximity, but the truth is, I don't bother much with it seeing how school will be over in less than a week. It is quite unreal to think that I will be leaving all of these disgusting people behind in the filth that is their own creation. I just hope I survive to move on to better things...I've always been afraid of being the kid who gets killed two days before the summer starts....it's always so pathetic and it happens all the time. I'll stay on people's good side, maybe that will save me.
I have also been afraid of being defaced by one of the angry neighborhood dogs, seeing how I've really started to admire my face recently.
I have a feeling that he will contact me within next few weeks. It is a nice feeling to say the least. And least I will say. What difference will it make? Will anything change? It's not like he will care to write me or actually have a long lasting contact with me. I mean, who am I? So wait, wait is the best thing. Wait and work.
Should I change my name to Odile Cocteau? I would, but considering how poor my French is, it would just be comical.
Ah well, ah well.
Mother asked me to assist the Serbian club in organizing a "BBQ" party...aka Barbaric Flesh Feast Serbian style....I consider eating dead animals disgusting, so serving them to people would be equally immoral. And I really cannot, and will not stand around where I can smell the cooking flesh. Disgusting. In Serbian culture, one is considered deranged if they are a vegetarian. I don't care much for that. I am no longer Serbian. I am very much against a lot of things that that culture stands for...so I can't label myself with it any longer.
Gross. I just had a thought about eating "meat". Thank God I no longer remember the taste. It's vile.
Hopefully my transition to full vegan will be made possible once I get to university. I really don't want to eat any dairy products or anything like that. Gross. Yuck. Yuck.

I need to, have to, go to Los Angeles as soon as possible.

Trying to channel my raaaage

I truly very much wonder when it is that it will all fall into place. I must admit that upon seeing that picture, I was taken aback. I won't post the picture, or clarify what it is that I saw...but it made all of their comments valid...at least for a split second. I won't give up.

My headphones broke today...just stopped working. It truly is a drag, how I have to listen to all of these people yak on and on about things that have no importance whatsoever. I hate the soundtrack of others affecting my life.

Yesterday I wrote a song about the French Riviera. I am very happy about it, however, I can't help but feel like I am not being entirely sincere- I've never been there, and well, why am I assuming it is great? Although...I don't know. I really don't know. My lyrics have been really crappy these days, but mother, who was a teenage poet like I, tells me that it is a passing phase...that I will despise my work right now, and look back on it and think "that was not nearly as bad as I thought it was". Hopefully, I won't have to wait 20 years for that epiphany. I took a walk with my parents yesterday, and felt like an adult. We're just like the Cleavers. Three eccentric weirdos that make up one awkwardly functional family. My mother is a potter/sculptor, so she is absolutely absorbed in clay and artistic things. Of course, being an artist, one struggles with finances...so right now, turning 40 and still not achieving exactly what she wants from her career, she gets a bit moody and defensive...but...I suppose that is the natural flow of things. My father still works this 9-5 job, which essentially feeds our family, while reading self help books on "How to Get Rich- FAST!" and never taking the advice that they give him....which makes sense because it is so expected that none of those bestsellers will make any of the readers rich other than the author herself.

And I, who am I? I am the person who can't even become an Au Pair! What a drag! I have given up on going to Europe this summer...
Maybe next time I will carry a "TAKE ME WITH YOU" sign...seems like my last option really...for the time being.

Confined But Hopeful

Today I received some words of encouragment from Richard Hell. It was wonderful. He is such a profound person. Of course, he did not answer any of my questions, but then again, he had the decency of at least telling me that the future, will be brighter and better. Probably a template for all of those kids who write him and are believed to, perhaps be suicidal. I have never been suicidal...I thought about suicide many times but I know for a fact I could never do it. I'm too tender, and too much of a coward.

I am going for a walk. Maybe that will clear my head. Maybe...

Syliva Plath - interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality

To tell you the truth, I am starting to dislike her immensely. I used to really enjoy her poetry, but now I find it to be rather repetitive and forced.
That's all I have for today.

Steppin' out with my baby

I got laid off today. Surprisingly, I did not care much. Instead I took the free evening as an invitation to rant to Richard Hell, asking him all sorts of existential questions. Let's see what he writes back. Basically, I asked him how he feels about the anthem which he wrote 30 years ago, and the fact that it still applies for today's generation...and whether he still has any faith in songs being able to change the world. What a cheesy question, I know. I had a few other ones as well, but for some reason I can't think of them right now.

I finally got around to watching Godard's Tout Va Bien, and I must say it is nothing short of brilliant. One aspect that I really hated about it was the fact that the factory in question was a slaughterhouse. But not focusing on the type of work that the workers did, the film poses and exposes truths. The long take at the supermarket at the end left me inspired and touched. I suppose that is what a film is supposed to do...Godard had a really interesting quote in the video added to the DVD's special/bonus/ect that goes something like "the exploiter does not tell people whom he exploits HOW he exploits them" stating that as the main problem. And I agree...most people who are exploited have no clue that they actually are...

Fred Astaire is ringing through my ears...what a talent, what a life. Almost makes me want to be a dancer. I sing. But I can't dance. At all. It is really disappointing...I wanted to take a dancing class once, but I didn't have a partner. For some reason men of today do not believe that dancing is something to do when you're a man. I suppose it's for the best- I am not looking to become a part of the whole dance craze that seems to be taking over the world of television.

That's all for today. Actually, I was trying to calculate how rich I'd have to be in order to afford a nice sea-side Italian villa. My calculations have led me to believe- pretty "fricken'" rich. Maybe I'll sell out for a couple of my films, and then go back to my roots. Isn't that how they all do it?

The picture above is of Montenegro...not Italy.

With all the carnivores...

People want their freedoms and don't want to be pushed in any direction that is not their own.



Right. How much of this is actually true? The above statement should be completely endorsed when it comes to human beings, but when it comes to animals, they just don't cut it.

Carnivores fighting for their rights is like right wingers trying to prove how capitalism actually works. Sure, it works, but define "works"! "Works" can mean it benefits all, and "works" can mean, barely functioning to keep one class floating above the rest. How selfish of one to ask to "not be pushed around because of their views" "not be called barbaric", "to have their views respected just as they respect mine". All of these things that carnivores demand are exactly what they are depriving animals. It is not enough that their direct consumption of flesh costs millions of animals their rights and freedoms, but now those of us who have been illuminated should keep our "hurtful" comments to ourselves. I don't know if hypocritical is the right word, but I can't think of another one right now.

Anyway, I am really happy that I am in the low percentile that has gained enough strenght to go against what I have been brought up on. All of the "going vegetarian" attempts that I have made since the tender age of 8 could easily add up to 4 years. I kept being dragged back in, my Serbian heritage and culture smearing my morals. Anyone with a clean heart and an open mind can realize how immoral it is to kill and eat animals. There just is no grey area within this argument. People who are trying to argue the opposing side are just people who are attempting to soothe their own guilt and realization that they are disgusting, vile and unable to change.

I won't respect your views if your views directly inflict pain on another being.
Your tradition is not my tradition if it hurts, and any tradition that does involve pain of another being should be completely abolished.
Culture is no excuse, there's always ways to change.
There's no such thing as an omnivore. If you actually need a word to make yourself feel better about eating flesh, then it's apparent you know it's wrong.
Those who eat animals are egoists, and nothing but. There is no compassion in murder.

Those are the things I believe in right now. I assembled that short list to keep myself reminded.
Once again, I do think I am absolutely brilliant. They know it, I know it, so what is the deal then, Thomas?

I am in, I am in, I am out

Pulsing throughout my body, there is a strange, strange sensation. I ignore it of course, and go on with my daily happe-n-ings. The Wise Wound indeed. There's not very much time left, there never is. I have never been this disorganized in my life. Throwing this everywhere, forgetting to dust...nothing seems to need to have a place, perhaps because I feel like I am soon to be misplaced myself. Will money make up for it? Will it be worth it? I can only hope.

During the course of a dreary, boring English lecture, like they all almost are (I blame the curriculum, and the environment), I overheard people's chats, and realized yet again that I am quite sane. Large amounts of liquor make people do quite peculiar, if not idiotic, things. I have heard of a girl who defaced her entire mid-section by getting a large tattoo across it. Always a smart idea, to get a non-representational tattoo during prom weekend. I need to put that on my "to do" list. I also heard of people having intercourse in the oddest places. I don't see the fascination with genitalia rubbing, like I previously mentioned. It appears to be vile and disgusting and primitive, but I suppose when one gets the nature's "call" they must act upon it, no matter how grotesque the act itself may seem. So I will wait...

Isadora, Isadora. I want a portrait like that.

P.G.Wodehouse and Tea

I went to the library, made a poor Korean intern go down to what they call "stacks", basically a dust covered graveyard for books that none of the local hicks are interested in reading (of course, anything that isn't about towing, manure and homemade abortions is incredibly irrelevant to them) and told her to bring me all the Wodehouse books that they have. In a couple of long minutes, I was standing in front of what looked like heaven. They have a really nice collection of what I believe are old originals! My Man Jeeves, A Damsel in Distress, The Inimitable Jeeves.....etc etc...I took a different pick this time...always rotating my choices, as well as a Jean Luc Godard film with Jane Fonda and Yves Montand (I picked it mostly because of the latter!) Tout Va Bien.

Today in the car, riding in the backseat going home while my father was voicing out all the injustices faced by the engeneers of the auto industry, I dreamt a very shallow dream. I thought, for a change, why not dream inferior dreams...so I dreamt of having in my posession a big Dr Pepper Slushee machine. What an orally driven dream! I could see myself, just like in those 1950s television ads, walking up to the machine, staring at myself as though I am a viewer, and pouring myself a big...bigg...biiiiiiiigggg cup of the good stuff from the inside. Then just as I was about to have a drink, I could think no more. I can't remember the time (last month) when I thought Dr Pepper is absolutely repugnant...those times have passed and well...look at me now, mom!

Due to my pertinacious cold, I have not been able to smell anything. I have been overapplying perfume (personally, I don't believe there is such thing as overapplying, if it's the right type of perfume...), getting toothpaste on me and not noticing, entering a classroom after a hot, sweaty group of grade 9ers had just left (a lethal stink on a regular day)...and well, generally, it's not good.

That is all for today, and probably for tomorrow. We shall see.

Truly

Wilhelm Reich

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Feeling like one big long day

The weather outside is incredibly dull and uneventful. I spent my weekend sneezing, coughing and shaking from fever...amongst other extremely attractive things. It feels as though time flies by in an insanely unrealistic fashion, but I suppose that comes with age. When I was younger, an hour would feel like an eternity. But youth itself wasn't much of a reward.

My cat has been following me around everywhere, currently lounging infront of my computer, occasionally obstructing my view. At times I feel like he is the only person who can understand me, in a profound way that no one else dares to. Maybe it is the reluctance on his part to engage in conversations, that passive stare, that gives me the thumbs up to extract all of these feelings. He understands nothing, and that's fine.

August 28th seems ridiculously far away, but as we all know, if all goes well, it will surely come.

I should organize my room...but I feel too broken to do anything. Viruses are not fun at all. Jesus.

That's all for today. I know, nothing much to say.

Well, I knew that you would like me...

..if only you could see me..

I'd like to be able to say that it was unreal...but it wasn't..it was very real and I am actually glad to be able to say so. I expected it and I predicted it and I was just hoping it would happen some day, it just happened to be his birthday, and I just happened to look brilliant.

I find it difficult to write about what happened. I am sure that if he ever happened to read this he would have no idea of the magnitude of his actions, and how touched I was.

However, once I am back in this hole, in a different time zone, with a different set of expectations and no chance of crossing paths with him unless I get up and follow and know...

It is really stupid. Or not it, but I am. I feel silly. I feel like I've opened that department inside of me that is waiting to receive some kind of...what's that thing called...love?...but as we all know I've really badly deceived myself to open it for such a brief encounter...and it's not a surprise that it hurt now, and it is not a surprise that I keep my eye open for him around the corner, and it is no surprise I am like a soap opera character without a plot....

I will probably end up spending more than enough money on therapy again. I don't know how suitable psychoanalysis is for me...it is just like talking to myself, only I have to pay. And I don't know how honest I've been about my problems, which makes the whole cause even less effective.

I am Virginia Oldoini...Comtesse de Castiglione...what a horrible way to die; toothless, obese and bald. What a shock...what a shock