I watched the entire Season Two of Jeeves and Wooster. How I love that show. I think I might have a slight crush of Stephen Fry...but alas...must it always be this way for me!?!?!
I really have very little left to say- or do I?
There is lots of negative energy in the house at the moment, however, it has lingered for quite some time. Everybody seems to be ticked off for whatever reason, ready to bite and argue, our auras are oozing anger and bitterness...at first I thought it was my fault (you know children, they always blame themselves...) but then I realized that it is not my fault, and that, after I tried to get to the root of of the problem and failed due to lack of cooperation, I decided to really not care. My mother is going away for two weeks to complete some course, taking our only car. I will have to walk everywhere...which isn't that bad I suppose. Father has been too busy trying to tie me to the house and the family...the realization that I have only 5 months or less left to live here and be under 24/7 watchful eye of my caring parental unit has left all feeling scared for their designated roles that have been cosily fulfilled for the past 17 and a half years. Unfortunately, the times they are a-changin'...
I sit often while The Jam's "That's Entertainment" plays, with my head leaning on my hand...thinking about how I could just pack a nice little bag of clothes and memories, get a one way ticket to somewhere better, maybe Los Angeles, go out there and finally face the world- take the first step to getting what I want. Ironic that I dream of this as I listen to that song...I really don't know why. It used to be Frankie's version of "New York, New York" but for some reason, I just want to go somewhere warm...somewhere less hostile (I don't know why I want to go to Los Angeles then....I am obviously very lost). But I have been too moulded into a person who fears any "irrational", spur of the moment decision...everything has to have a plan...when I know very well that life does not have a plan and that nothing happens for a reason. And sometimes, one must make an irreversible decision to achieve more than those who follow the stream. We shall see. Maybe next year. People who put things off...well...I won't say anything.
I want to go to St.Louis to see the Mr. on his birthday- my friend might be coming with me..either way I just want to go. Midwest though...Misery...(I know the right spelling). My parents are having a "huge freakout" about this. Although they won't admit it, they can't stand the idea of me leaving..they've always been very good at putting on an attitude of "liberal" parents who understand that their child will one day leave, go, come back at Christmas and call them with much dislike of the idea, just like they treat their parents. Last time I was growing independent they blamed it on drugs. Half of the time, I wasn't even doing drugs- I just wasn't at home. The moment I became a nun, everything went well. The moment I locked myself in my room and rarely left (can't complain about this notion however) they went "whew, she's ours now" and everything was back to normal. Now I am off to university, not very interested in learning anything...and this proclamation of independence cannot be removed.
Having said this- I will never be a parent. Girls who plan their children's names, boys who decide what games they will play their kids and what sports teams they will cheer for, make me sick. I never was one of those girls. Sex itself is a dirty act, from a non religious perspective. What is the big deal with exchanging bodily fluids and rubbing your body together? And in the words of a 7 year old- "ewwwwwww!". Not just that, but pregnant ladies are absolutely disgusting. They look like dung beetles.
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